Always be Prepared to Give an Answer

I have a New Year's Resolution:  To have an answer ready when people ask about what we are studying in our homeschool.  As often as I get asked that, I still stumble over my answer.

Some people just want to know that my kids are learning something.  Other people are just being kind and making pleasant conversation.  And still others are really curious about homeschool for themselves and would like to know that it is not as difficult as they imagine.

Usually, I really do know which is which.  I know when telling someone that we just "wing-it" at my house, would set off every internal alarm they have, rending them a tad bit argumentative.  And I can usually tell when someone is just being nice, and doesn't really want my treatise on the state of the failed public education system.

And there are the occasionally truly curious people who really want the full answer.  But, alas, they are few and far between.

And I have been treating them all the same.  Ask me a dixie cup sized question, and I will douse you with a whole pitcher full of answer.  Hmmm.  Why is it that I work so hard to let my children be delight-led in their learning, but with everyone else, I bring out the sledge hammer?

So here's my new answer:  Jor Man is studying Ancient Greece.  Sher Bear is fascinated by Ancient Egypt.  Campster is concentrating on her reading skills.  Huntz is reinforcing his times tables, and doing science experiments.  And we are all working on kindness.  That seems to be the theme of the new year.

It's still not a short answer, but I like how I didn't have to explain how we got there.  If someone wanted to know more, I could explain that the kids are all starting skiing lessons today, and the boys are beginning their electric guitar and drum lessons tonight.  Oh, and next week, we will begin our study of Jewish holidays.

That feels much better to me.  People don't always want to know my whole educational theory.  That's okay.  I don't have to explain myself to everyone.  (Just you readers!)

What's your "short-ish" answer for what your homeschool is studying right now?

Wish you were here!

Gratitude

Clockwise, from the left, Sher-Bear, Big Dad, Campster, Jor Man and Huntz - all hard at work on thank yous

Christmas is over.  The tree is down, and all the trimmings put away.  Time for thank yous!

Stamps are a fun way to decorate a thank you

Do your kids moan like mine when you ask them to write a thank you note?  This year we combatted the moany-groanies with a couple of new strategies.  First of all, we all sat down at the table and wrote our thank yous together.  Modeling the behavior you wish to see in your children is always a helpful step.

Secondly, we told them that any gift without a thank you would be put away until next year.  Perhaps next year they will feel more thankful for it! Happily, no gifts were confiscated this year.

Everyone wrote and then decorated their thank yous with drawings and colorful stamps.

Campster using her spelling book while writing her thank yous

Another new strategy we implemented was the spelling book.  Each child was given a spiral bound note card book, and any time they asked how a word was spelled, we wrote it in the book with a Sharpie marker.

Lastly, we wrote up a mock letter as an example to the children.  We emphasized that this was just the start of a thank you, but it gave them an opportunity to learn parts of a letter.

Being thankful, really grateful for what we have, is a short cut to happiness.

Wish you were here!

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, represented as a pyramid, most basic needs at bottom

I've been thinking a lot lately about Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  If you've ever taken any early childhood development or psychology classes, you'll remember this simple concept:  Basic needs must be met before higher needs.

Maslow theorized that physiological needs, like food, warmth, and sleep needed to be met first, and then security, and so on.

I don't know that I agree 100% with this, but it is worth thinking about, nevertheless.

The red section, safety, stands out to me.  I think this is primarily because I was bullied in school as a child.  If school is not a safe place to be, if a child needs to look out for him or herself, and cannot relax and feel safe, how can they learn?  The same can be said of home life.  If a child feels belittled, picked on, unwanted or unloved, how can they learn?

When Big Dad and I discussed becoming parents, one of the things that was most important to us was this:  That the children would know that they are wanted, loved, okay with us, and that we are glad to see them.  Please understand, this does not mean that we do not correct or discipline.  Rather, we do it from a place of love - wanting the best for them.  We are careful to build them up in love at all other times.

One of the ways this happens at our home is around sleep.  When the kids are going to bed, Big Dad spends time with them reading stories, praying and talking with them.  This is also my time to be by myself and relax.

In the mornings, we reverse it.  The kids all join me in bed for snuggles.  Big Dad is up and enjoying a quiet morning downstairs, while the kids and I are snuggling and chatting.  It is a wonderful time to connect.

We make sure to tell the kids individually that we love them, that we are glad for them.  We spend special times with each during the week, doing something they would like to do.  We value their opinions and their ideas.  All these things make for that sense of belonging and love.  And we zealously protect them from harm.  They feel safe and loved.

What do you do in your family to promote safety and love?

Wish you were here!

Train Your Child to be Unhappy

A Happy Sher Bear

Did you know that you can train your child to be unhappy?  Yup.


I saw this post on BlogHer this morning, and I gotta say, I really take issue with the whole assumption behind the post.


Now I don't know if the link above will work for you or not, so, here's a quick synopsis:  The mom writing has a three-year-old and is pregnant with her second child.  Like most parents, they went all out on the first kid, including getting a 3D ultrasound from one of those private companies (not doctor prescribed).  All of which I have no problem with.


Now she is realizing that, while she really excited about the second child, she doesn't feel the need to get the whoop-dee-do ultrasound for $200 this time.


Her question is, and I quote:  Will my January baby someday feel slighted (or even unwanted) because we skipped the fancy ultrasound?  Is it unfair of us to not give the same gift to our January baby that we gave to Gracie (a DVD of her in utero)?


In response, people have written in about their experiences as a child with not getting equal treatment as their siblings.  And on the whole, it's split about 50/50 as to whether they were upset about it or not.


I think they all miss the point.


Is the point of parenting to make certain that your child is happy?  


Not that we wouldn't all want our children to be happy.  Of course we do!!  But is that something that we can achieve by making certain everything is fair?


Say it with me:  Life isn't fair.


It occurs to me that the happiest people I know are not the ones who get things their way all the time.  No, they are the people who have learned to roll with it.  They understand that life has its ups and downs, and they don't get all bent out of shape when things don't go like they expected.


Just looking at the responses to the blog post - everyone who responded was writing about a time when things were not equal between them and their siblings.  Yet half of them chose to assume that one must be upset about such injustice, and the other half didn't think it was a big deal.  Any bets as to which half is happier on the whole?


So how does this play out in our day-in, day-out parenting?  I find scripts to be helpful tools.  So here are two scripts.  In this first script, the parent is training their child to use unhappiness to try to motivate themselves and others in their life.  The parent has the best intentions, but they are not able with this method to achieve the happy child that they were after.


Kid:  Mom!  Sister got a better doll than me.  That's not fair.


Mom:  Your doll is nice.  (Trying to convince child they are wrong, and it is fair.)


Kid:  No, it's not.  It's stupid.  Hers is bigger and has fancier clothes.


Mom:  Well, it was her birthday.  Maybe you'll get a bigger, fancier doll on your birthday.  (Agreeing that it wasn't fair, and should be.  But encouraging her to wait.)


Kid:  I want a nice doll now!  (Whines, stomps foot, pouts.)


Mom:  (Convinced that child is unhappy, and wanting to "fix" it.)  How about we go and order a new one for you?  


Kid:  (Smiling.)  Okay!!  Thanks, Mom!!


Can you see in the above example how this child now knows that being unhappy will get them what they want?  Next time they want something (give them a few minutes!) they will try being unhappy again.  Meanwhile, Mom is believing that child is happy now, and that she's done her job by "making" the child happy.


Now let's try an example of Mom not training her child to be unhappy.


Kid:  Mom!  Sister got a better doll than me.  That's not fair.


Mom:  Yup, she did.  (Not denying reality.)


Kid:  I want a nice doll!  (Stomps foot, whines, pouts.)


Mom:  Don't you stomp your foot at me.  If you want something, use a nice voice.


Kid:  Mom? (turns on the charm)  May I please have a nice doll like sister's?  (Smiles a fake happy smile.)


Mom:  Thank you for asking in your nice voice.  Sure.  If you want to save your allowance, I'd be happy to help you buy that doll.


Kid:  That's not fair!!  I want a nice doll, now!!  (Tries stomping and whining again.)


Mom:  Please go to your room.  That is not the way we behave in this house.  


Kid:  (Growling on their way.)


After a short while, Mom goes to Kid's room.


Mom:  Are you ready to come out and be happy?


Kid:  Yes, Ma'am.  (Not looking super happy, but no longer angry.)


In this scenario, it's harder for Mom to feel like she's done "a good job" in helping her child to be happier.  But in the long run, this kid will choose to be happy or not - but they will know that being unhappy does not work to motivate Mom.


Perhaps, if the doll was really something that they wanted, they will save up and get the doll.  But the doll is not the important thing - the heart is.  


I find myself shaking my head at the whole idea of some one thinking about spending $200 they wouldn't otherwise spend, just in case a child, who isn't born yet, might decide to feel offended at some point in the future.  I don't want to spend my years as a mom walking on those kind of eggshells.


So can we get rid of that should:  Everything SHOULD be fair and equal among siblings?  


I have.


(For more information about Happy Parenting, please check out www.option.org - that's where I learned it.)


Wish you were here!

The Shoulds

I haven't blogged in over a month.  I thought about it.  I thought "I should blog."  But I didn't want to.  Well, I wanted to a little.  But mostly, I thought I should.

So, as you may have noticed, I didn't.

Grace was here for a visit (it's not her fault).  And at church one morning a friend of mine made a comment about school and homework.  You know what I said. . ."So why don't you home school?"  Her answer is the one I always hear.  "Oh, I could never do that.  I am not disciplined enough.  You have to be really self-disciplined to home school."  LOL.  Umm.  No, you don't.

So I turned to Grace, who knows me super well - and I asked her "Would you say that I am disciplined?"  She thought about it for a minute and then she said, "Paisley is very good at not doing anything she doesn't want to do."

I took it as the compliment that she meant it to be.

How often do the people around us (I'm talking grownups) complain about all they have to do in their lives that they don't want to do?  They are depressed and unhappy about what they "Should" do.  And, in effect, we have a belief as a society that this is at the core of what being a grownup is all about - doing the things we don't want to do because we believe we should do them.

School is very effective at teaching people to do what they Should do instead of what they Want to do.  And once we are thoroughly convinced that this is the job of all grownups to do the shoulds, we can go one of two ways:  regress into being a child forever (35 year olds that still live with their parents) or buck up and make ourselves do the things we think we should and be unhappy about it.

I am working out a third way for myself.  It is neither lacking in responsibility, nor is it characterized by unhappiness.

Passion is something that cannot be mustered.  But it can be encouraged.  I want to live out of my happiest, most passionate self.  I want to pursue joy and time with God.  I want to make my life a walk with my creator that invites others to meet Him, too.

So, I haven't been writing lately.  But I wanted to today.  Usually, I have a rule that I don't write on Sundays.  But today I am sick, and I felt like writing.  What a rebel!!

I am enjoying watching my kids learn about the world and about God and themselves because they want to learn.  They want to interact with the information.  They are excited about it.  They will remember it.  They will want to share it.

Are you doing life because you want to today?  Or because you think you should?  What would you do differently if you only did what you want?

I've been working on listening to God.  The other day I was stressing.  I have a friend, newly diagnosed with cancer whom I wanted to see.  I also was late for a homeschool event.  And I'd promised to take the kids to Target.  I could feel the stress in my neck and shoulders.  I took a moment and sat down to pray.  "God" I asked "What do you want me to do today?"

"Tend you garden."  Was what I heard.  I have a garden.  It is in need of tending.  But, really, with all that was on my list of things to do?  Drop everything and weed?

"But it's cold outside."  I complained.

Then I asked again.  "God, I am trusting that I will hear from you and no one else.  What do you want me to do today?"

"Rest."  He said.

Ugh!!  I thought.  But I promised the kids I'd go to Target.  And the homeschool group is expecting me, and. . . and. . ."  All shoulds.  Hmm.

So, I asked him again.  "Are you saying I should stay home today, and rest and weed?  Or are you saying that I should go with a restful spirit?"

"Whatever you do today, rest while you do it."  Aha!!  Rest while you do it.  There is a concept.

So off we went.  Slowly.  No rush.  Resting through the day.  Savoring it.  Enjoying it.

And there was a moment at a friend's house while I was sitting drinking Chai Tea where I saw though the kitchen window - she and her husband pulling weeds from their garden.  Chuckle.

The garden still needs weeding.  And I came down sick the next day.  Guess I really should have rested more.  The point is that I rested through the day and enjoyed it, instead of stressing.

Wish you were here!

Happiness, part two

A friend and Sher Bear playing with face paints

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

According to Barry Neil Kaufman, author of "Happiness is a Choice" and co-founder/co-director of the Option Institute, thankfulness is one of the shortcuts to happiness.

So how do we help our kids (and ourselves!) to be more thankful?  It's a funny thing, because, it's not what you would think.  Reminding kids to say "Thank you" is not the same as them actually being thankful.  It's polite, and, I think, not a bad idea to get kids into the habit of saying thank you.  But etiquette aside, this is a heart issue.

When we are truly thankful, it springs from a knowledge that we did not deserve or earn what we got.  We we feel we earned it - that is entitlement.  Now, there is nothing wrong with doing a good job, working hard and earning your keep.  I am all for that.  But learning a good work ethic is not the same as being thankful either.

Entitlement quenches thankfulness.  It also creates whining.  When kids are whining, you could know that they feel that things aren't fair - in other words, they think they SHOULD get something.  Then, if they get it, they will not be thankful for it.

Sher Bear loves the baby quail

So how do we get rid of entitlement?  It is rampant in our culture.  Everyone thinks they are entitled to a home, healthcare, cell phones and cable television.  It is not making us happier to have all these things.

In our home, our kids know that they are not entitled to toys, special treats or even food.  (Remember the old days, when kids went to bed without supper if they disobeyed?)  Any needs we meet we do because we love them.  I am not talking about neglect.  I am talking about kid's attitudes changing to realize that they are blessed to have loving parents who care for them.

When the kids get demanding, whiney or otherwise unthankful, we talk about this again.  "Is it our job to make you happy?  No.  We love you, and so we do certain things for you.  But we don't have to do any of them."

I know how harsh this sounds.  It struck me the same way the first time I heard it five years ago.  But it has changed everything about how I parent, and how happy we all are.

Wish you were here!

Happiness, part one

Of all the things I want to my kids to learn, I think the top three are:  How much God loves them, how to love others, and how to be happy.

Happiness, for most people, is incredibly elusive.  It's a puzzle which requires all of the pieces to fit together perfectly, and it seems one piece is always missing.  Yet it's the thing we crave, almost more than anything else.

For some people, happiness seems to be a part of them.  I think of my friends, Doug and Shona.  Each of them is known by their happy, loving attitudes.  If they are not smiling, it draws concern.  They seem to take life in stride.  Troubles don't affect them in the same way they affect other people.  It seems as though disappointment rolls off them like water off a duck's back.

How can we help our kids to "learn" to be happy?  At the Option Institute, Big Dad and I have learned many tools that we find so helpful.

The first of these is resisting the urge to make everything a moral issue.  There are moral issues.  Definitely.  And God has an opinion (THE opinion) on what is right and wrong.  However, we tend to go beyond that,  becoming more like the Pharisees of Jesus' day, making every thing a moral issue.

When I find myself being upset about something, I think about what I am saying in my mind - what I am believing in that moment.  Usually, it's something like "He SHOULD. . . " or "They OUGHT to. . ."  Shoulds and ought to's tell me right away that I have made something into a moral issue.  Maybe it is.  Maybe it's an issue of lying, or stealing or disrespecting me as a mom.  (And if it IS a moral issue, we deal with it.)

But more often than not, it's simply an issue of me not getting what I wanted in the moment, i.e. I wanted the dining room table cleared off, I am thinking "I shouldn't have to ask for the table to be cleaned up before dinner each night."  If I recognize that this is not a moral issue, but a want, then I can change the words in my head to reflect that.  So now I am thinking, "I really want the dining room cleared before dinner each night without my asking."  Hmm.  It takes the anger out of it.  I can still want it, strongly, and work to get it.  Without the anger, I can focus better on getting to a solution.  Maybe it is worth it to me to offer a reward to people who have their stuff off the table before dinner time.  Maybe I can make a chart towards earning some special treat.  The point is that I am a resourceful woman, and when I recognize my want, rather than rage in self-righteous (although misguided) anger, I can get what I want without giving up my happiness in the process.

As I have said before, modeling is the most helpful way to help your kids' learn a skill.  I imagine that Doug and Shona had parents who modeled happiness to them.  I want to do the same for my kids.

I also notice when they are using unhappiness to try to get what they want.  I ask questions to try to reveal what it is that they are thinking.  When I hear a should or ought to, I can help them to discern whether this is a moral imperative or simply a want of theirs.  Then we can brainstorm together ways for them to get what they want while still maintaining their happiness.

Wish you were here!